Since I Can’t Be a SAHM

This week was better for two reasons. The first being that I no longer pump (cue the hallelujah chorus – I’ll get to this subject soon). The second reason is we found a nanny. Not only did we find a nanny, but we found a great one.

When I discovered it was nearly impossible to balance my at home full time job and take care of Kensington, I reluctantly went searching for help. We decided against out of home child care for many reasons but one of the most prominent being that Kensie won’t take a bottle. She needed to be close to me for feedings.

I wrestled with the process for the longest time. I badly wanted to make it work but my marketing job is too demanding. I was trying to please her and keep my head above water professionally, and both my parenting and workload were suffering.


I kept putting it off or finding flaws in the applicants. Even though we just wanted someone to watch her downstairs while I was working upstairs, it still seemed impossible to pick someone. I wanted all of her morning smiles. I wanted to play with her. I wanted to rock her to sleep. Couldn’t I just pay someone to do my job?

Finally, after a few more rough days trying to prove that I could balance the two, I came to terms with the fact that I absolutely couldn’t. So we had a few applicants come to the house for working interviews.

These days were amazing.

Am I allowed to say that? The first five, even ten, minutes were rough. But once I started opening emails, the hours flew by. I got So. Much. Done. Not only did I get ahead in my work, I also started laundry, cooked dinner and wait for it… showered.

So many crazy internal expectations and feelings kept battling each other. Kensie is going to like the nanny more than me. She’s going to think I’m too busy to play with her. She’s going to think I just disappeared.

So I wanted to squash some of these in writing.

  1. I hope Kensie likes the nanny (almost) as much as me! It would be wonderful for her to look forward to the day of reading and exploring. It takes a village and my husband and I don’t have one locally. This is the start of our little village that will save my sanity and help raise our children.
  2. I am allowed to do stuff outside of being a mom. I’m allowed to be awesome at my full time job. I’m allowed to go for a run. I’m allowed to shower in peace.
  3. It’s okay to work. Maybe in the future I can be a SAHM but for now it’s not in the cards. Kensie will know Mommy has to work so we can afford to do all the fun things we will do (and pay off student loans). And when she grows up, she can have any job she wants, including being a SAHM or a nanny.

We found a Godly woman who brings a playmate for Kens and I’m excited to watch them learn and grow together. I’m sure each stage and phase will bring different struggles and thoughts. But for now, I will be looking forward to Monday so I can give 100% at being a Mom and 100% at being a Director of Communications.

And 100% towards napping when I can squeeze one in.


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